I'M not ok.

On the most part, I feel I have shaken the depression that I have had since I was 11. It has been incredibly difficult and hard work. But once a month, when everywhere else in my body feels like it's taking a battering, I'm not surprised that my mind does too.

My husband jests annoyingly that my periods last a whole month. It's kinda true, we have one week to ourselves truly don't we?

The week after that (at the end of the week) is typically the middle of our cycle where we are supposed to be ovulating and making babies, but because our egg is being released, we are bloated, and moody because of the peak of oestrogen, eating everything in sight, making babies is the very last thing we want to do.

The following week for me is craving chocolate, having sore breasts and an excruciatingly bad back. Typically that's also when the kids want to be carried around, when I could normally lift a 25k plate with absolutely no strain or problem, I can't even pick up a 15!

The next week I tend to get itchy between my breasts so it bleeds and causes an infection. Every single time. The mood swings are even worse as we anticipate the arrival of our monthlies, getting so mad with our other halves and children and people in general, so much so that it makes our skin itch.

At this time, I feel very delicate, I take everything to heart and get upset way too easily. I find myself saying things in haste and it biting me in the ass. One of the things that upsets me is making friends. I'm not very good at it. There's loads of people who say they will have lunch, meet up or go out with you but when it comes to it, you know in your heart it's not going to happen and yet these same people are out with others having a great time.

So, I'm clearly missing something right? I've divulged into the possible reasons but the same things keep happening. So, I'm not ok. I have been procrastinating and over thinking every conversation, re -evaluating myself and picking myself apart wondering what I've done wrong and when I did it wrong because there is never any closure because no one likes to tell you that you suck.

It is most definitely me. It's really sad that my only friend is my husband. Poor man. 


It's the next day and although I'm still feeling sad, I know that even if all the above is true, I need to keep trying and keep working to make myself better so that eventually I am better at talking to people and will eventually actually make friends.

It seems these days everyone seems to have some kind of aversion to talking to people or groups. We all just need to be mindful as well that a woman could be in the same mindset I was in last night and it happens every month.

It is dangerous, I didn't want to be here. I felt so low and worthless. I'm surrounded by people and yet I have no friends. I feel like if I was in trouble the only person there would be my husband which is amazing but I feel like if I text or called anyone I know ‘friendly’ they'd all have better things to do and then I'd see them out on social media.

This is how terribly low I feel when I am due on my period. It is dangerous and sometimes life threatening. I am now on my period and mentally, more stable. But I can't laugh, sneeze, jump, run or do any of the fun stuff.

I have incredibly heavy periods. I bleed through every month, there are sanitary pads especially for night time to last 12 hours. I put one of those on every 30 minutes and it still soaks through. I bleed so much that my body has now starting clotting it, and it's not small clots either. I have to birth a head sized clot every month because that's my body’s way of stopping the bleeding!

That's right folks, it's disgusting and it's debilitating and every woman gets it. It's not funny and is horrible for most.

We suffer. Every woman has a hard time so let's just give each other a break and not add to it. If you don't like someone, just tell them. Let them know where they stand then they won't spend delicate days questioning their own existence.

Jolene Wilson, Weston mum.