See Monster is here and, unlike the spoof version in Loch Ness, is brazenly visible.
She left EU waters, sailed around the Scillies up the Bristol Channel and, with aid from a couple of butch work-horse tugs and muscular land winches, beached herself onto our sun-kissed shore.
After resting overnight an enormous crane then reunited torso with lower limbs in a delicately choreographed bit of puppeteering. Who was that man in the cab pulling those strings? Well done mate. I built a crane like that many years ago but it didn’t work - those Meccano instructions were so difficult to follow.
Ever since making land, See Monster’s drawn the crowds as a zillion selfies must now bear witness.
She? Of course. Oil platforms are an endangered maritime species, hugely reviled, always spoken of in pejorative terms and constantly subjected to wishy-washy green hatred campaigns.
Ships should have appealing feminine sleek curves, but this rusting hulk with four long legs, bulging midriff, flat head plus single spiky hair piece is about as sexy as a modern cruise liner and they look oddly akin to Weston College on pontoons. But that’s no reason to be spiteful. She’s a deserving cause in need of empathy and rehabilitation.
Photoshop fanatics spend time and effort disguising truth but sometimes it’s best to look reality in the face and accept life for what it is. Oil rigs may be the sea’s ugly sisters, about which nobody ever writes nice things, but we in Weston think our monster’s a bit of OK.
Beauty being in the eye of the beholder, we do seem to have warmly welcomed her into our bosom.
Her timekeeping might have been a hint sloppy but she is quite old and retired from real work a few years ago, so let’s be fair. She’s quickly entered our community and we’re learning to love her. I’m unsure what ‘community’ means but am reliably informed we all belong to several so I’ve popped See Monster into our collective envelope of well-being.
See Monster’s now having a facelift, bit of snip 'n' tuck and, as with all who emerge from tanning studios, the yellow’s been a hint overdone but she’ll have a good seaside holiday in newly emerging Nailbar City.
Word of warning - she’s here for a holiday and won’t be taking up residence. She doesn’t belong to us so let’s not get too possessive. Just like thee and me, nothing’s permanent.
The knacker’s yard and fiery pit await us all and See Monster’s no exception to the Grim Reaper’s call. Here today and gone tomorrow, just like the television crews who interviewed endlessly then broadcast for two minutes before the weather forecast.
This zany bit of defunct planet-destroying engineering is now morphing into liberating art with a world life-saving message. Environmentalists will be cock-a-hoop. Truly paradise has arrived on our beach.
It’s all a far cry from those heady days of Banksy and Dismaland, Hazydays and Reaper Bar, Tropicana and plastic pineapple, Open Air Pool and Art Deco diving platform.
Who knows what’s in store? What seed will See Monster have planted in this town’s futuristic imagination?
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